psychedelia It was the night of Morningstar, a blacklight/psytrance festival thrown by a friend of mine and some of his friends and their friends, etc. Ryan and I like to come to these things because it makes us feel like part of “the collective”. It is expected of us - we who are seen as crazy and adventurous must do things that are crazy and adventurous such as going camping and doing psychedelic drugs at the same time. And so, we are here at Morningstar where although it is never stated, but we do not fit in. We do not have dreads or wear funky clothes. We have not read the essential material or listened to the right kind of music. But we love them. We love to be near them - these people who are so spiritual; who have such unity. They are beautiful. Ryan and I have just finished setting up camp. We have chosen a nice spot overlooking the party and down into the valley. We are surrounded by trees so we feel like we are a part of nature. Darkness is beginning to fall and already the stage has been lit and music is pounding the rhythm into the earth forcing everyone to succumb to its beat. Already there are dancers: arms flying, heads and hands raised to the sky. We eat our mushrooms with sandwiches spread with nutella, and my stomach quivers with anticipation. Always my stomach quivers on the edge of nausea - just the thought of mushrooms does that. We decide to wait in the tent for the effects because we want to emerge into the world like it's a different world. It will be different because we will see it differently and that is what is really important. We are tired though... really tired from the drive up. We have been working all week kept busy as bees at our 9-5 jobs. But we love to drive together, cruising down the long stretches of highway listening to Piper at the Gates of Dawn - our psychedelic anthem. It is my favourite psychedelic album of all time - I think it quite literally changed my life. An ex-boyfriend of mine first played it for me when I was 16 and I had never experienced anything like it before. I was still an unborn chick so to speak. But I fell in love with the drowsy voice of Sid Barrett and the beautiful instrumental which is the essence of Pink Floyd. Then I wanted to spread this mind-blowing music to everyone I knew; to other music lovers who I thought could understand and appreciate this fantastic thing I had discovered. But nobody did. I stood alone on my island with Sid and Pink Floyd with only their music to sooth my isolated soul. Ahhhh how "emo-teen" of me. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I just resented the hell out of everyone. If they could not see what I saw, they were aliens and therefore not a part of me. I divorced most of my friends from that point on, they were blind and I was awakened. I'd never felt more alone in my life :::::::::::::::it's happening:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

for some reason we do not go outside

for some reason we stay inside

for some reason we cannot stop laughing=D

for some reason we have gone [insane] again

everytime i wonder the same thing: why do we do this ?

are our lives so pathetic that we have to poison ourselves for fun ?

are we so controlled that we need drugs in order to go insane ?

insanity should not co$t

insanity should be free

for some reason we laugh=D=D=D=D=D=D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DDDDDDDDDbecause this is hilarious

lifeissocrazyican'tbelievewespendeverysingledayofourlivesworkingworkingworkingforwhatformoneythat'sfuckingridiculous

everything feels so surreal like a dream within a dream within a dreamwithinadreamwithinadreamwithinadreamwithainasdream

i lie do__wn

ryan does not want to

i lie do__wn

i cannot stop lying do__wn

do__wn is good

bod>< too heavy

my body is heavy fluid

i feel it now

falling is not the right word but the first word that comes to mind is falling

everytime i feel like alice

my mind is >>>>>>>opening<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

my mind is >>>>>>>>>>aware<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

my mind is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>alive<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

we laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

SUPERMARIO AND HIS MUSHROOM FRIENDS

in our spaceship tent we laugh

then the laughing stops.

i am falling asl--p.

my body is not my own. i am trapped in an alien body that is uncomfortable and cold and wet. all i want to do is sleep but my mind is awake and wondering o n i t s o w n

ryan's body is next to mine but i cannot believe that he's there. he's not really there. even with my arms around him he is not there.

suddenly he is not in my arms anymore,,, he is beyond my reach,,, it takes so long for my body to move,,, it takes so much effort to move my body,,, but he is in my arms again

a vicious cycle love is like a vicious cycle you think you know someone and suddenly they are not there and when you finally reach them again they disappear once more

suddenly he is not in my arms anymore,,, he is beyond my reach,,, it takes so long for my body to move,,, it takes so much effort to move my body,,, but he is in my arms again

I want to lie close to Ryan. I just want to cuddle right up near him because he is so warm and I feel so protected when I'm near him. Even though I know he doesn't want me to be near him.

STOP IT. I CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE. IF YOU DON'T STOP, I WILL LEAVE YOU.

no don't leave me

IF YOU DON'T STOP IT, I WILL LEAVE YOU. I'M LEAVING.

no don't leave me

please

baby, i love you

i love you too

this is the happiest moment of my life

your face above mine with so much love in your eyes i can't imagine ever being loved more or ever again

i'm scared

this is the last moment of your life

i'm so scared don't let this be the end pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee

baby, i love you

i love you too

baby, i love you

i love you too

baby, i love you

i love you too

baby, i love you

i love you too

this is the last moment of your life

i cannot breathe my tears are choking me

baby, i love you

i love you too

::::::::::::::::::

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Your life ended here. In this tent.

It's all over.

i cannot move my body below my spirit rising

i see my body below my spirit rising

white light

c o n f u s i o n

Everything you thought you knew you don't know. What's wrong is right, what's right is wrong. God is evil. The white man is superior. Women are inferior. Theft, Deception and Violence are the answer.

let it soak in

a c c e p t a n c e

Fear inhibits life. Stop fearing those things that you cannot erase that is when you can begin to change them.

let it be

c l a r i t y

Change is the fuel of life. No matter how uncertain, how cold, how tedious, how heart-breaking, change must be faced because life must be reckoned with if it’s to be of any use at all.

My life is my own. I am the only judge I need ever face. Love is the only law I need ever to follow.

pupils dilate

lungs expand

fingertips tingle

LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life's rhythm pounds within me

life's music flows within me

life's colours reflect off of me

life's energy bursts through me

and to think that it had all once seemed so meaningless

LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the beauty of it

the unity of it

if only i could laugh, cry, or scream because finally i understand

but it's all over

isn't it hilarious

now you must start over

where do i begin?

start with the first word

through it all, it was mostly sweet

and letting go is the hardest part

start with the first word

In the

In the beginning

And so life begins